Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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