it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
