the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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