You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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