Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
