I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize