1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
