If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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