Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
