I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
