we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can you bring me the toilet please
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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