My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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