just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize