I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
