Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
