Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
