You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
