remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He has the fingertips of a God
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