I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize