I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
