My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Randomize