Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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