Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
