my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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