I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
