Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
