Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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