guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I am midnight drunk by noon
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
