Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
