Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
