seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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