the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
