A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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