:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize