we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he thought i was a dude.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
