just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need to align my fucking chakras
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
