Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
