I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
