When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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