my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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