Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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