i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
