yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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