i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
