Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
