He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
