I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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