K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
