How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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