cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
