So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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