We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
