my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
