i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
