I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
