Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize
