Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
