Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize