Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
