Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
