so that wasnt chicken after all
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize