Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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