just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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