Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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