Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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