Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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