there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
