if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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