i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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