Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
