You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
