I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
