nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
